Claiming (feigning?) Defeat

I have no problems speaking,
Only problems with what ought to be said
(and how)

I have no troubles thinking,
Only the troubled thoughts swirling through my head
(especially now)

I have no difficulties feeling
Only I feel numbed by my sensory reception

If I thought before speaking, reamined true to myself,
how was I vulnerable to such self-deception?

If I could start from the beginning and have just one more trial
I'd gladly give my soulshine in exchange for complacent self-denial