Claiming (feigning?) Defeat

I have no problems speaking,
Only problems with what ought to be said
(and how)

I have no troubles thinking,
Only the troubled thoughts swirling through my head
(especially now)

I have no difficulties feeling
Only I feel numbed by my sensory reception

If I thought before speaking, reamined true to myself,
how was I vulnerable to such self-deception?

If I could start from the beginning and have just one more trial
I'd gladly give my soulshine in exchange for complacent self-denial

The Density of TIme

I always said that time in Amsterdam passed differently than anywhere else. No matter what I do here, it seems like I don't have enough time to finish. Whether I am enjoying what I'm doing or doing something tedious or frustrating, I never have enough time because there just isn't enough of it. I think that time here has become condensed because every second is more important. There are so many things to do- and they need to be squeezed into the confines of the short time slots that incoherently assemble to form the structure of our days/lives. But I think it's awesome that life here is so jampacked with new/challenging/fun/chill/amazing things to do that time actually feels dense- fucking cool

Paradoximorphical and quandersome, lonelyforbodering holinsouldom

When there is not enough time to say what we need to, do we just stop talking?
or
When everyone is silent is it because people are thinking?

If true friendship is when silence between people is comfortable, then it means that silence would make most people uncomfortable, which would imply that perhaps thinking makes people uncomfortable. then can friendship only exist when we are comfortable with each others' thoughts? So, even if we have a lot to say and a lot to think about, it seems like the most uncomfortable place to be is in the middle of silenced thoughts- between friends.

How do we determine the lengths we go to achieve a goal in exchnge for the lengths we would not have to go if we gave up the goal?
How do we know when roads are intersecting and when one is simply yeilding to the other at its end? (and at an intersection, who has the right of way?)